I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
