we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
