Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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