chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
