Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
