i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
North Korea, Best Korea!
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
