This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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