yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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