He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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