I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
