i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
