3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
