I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
