he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
