Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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