it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
