she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
you never un-have a 4some
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i out mim tonsoeep
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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