JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
