had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
