is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
