If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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