god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
