I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
