very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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