i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
