You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
