if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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