I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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