just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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