why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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