so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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