I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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