Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
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If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
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Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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