I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
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Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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