I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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