is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
