True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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