i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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