first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
