if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
