i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
