I wanna bring you to show and tell
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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