My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
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