is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
