I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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