I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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