I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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