apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
