My friends, they love my intelligence
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
