i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
