she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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