Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
