New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
