There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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