Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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