We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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