the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
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He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
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You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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