i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
