Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
